Why is Turning 40 Scary?

Posted on July 3, 2012 by Reena

Recently I and many of my friends have turned 40.  Each person celebrated in slightly different ways but most everyone was surrounded by those who love them.  So many people describe this milestone as a dreaded one but I haven’t completely understood why.  I mean strangers are still surprised since I don’t “look my age” and many of my fellow 40 year olds have hardly changed over the past 5-10 years.  Maybe part of it is the biology of it and starting to feel the changes in metabolism, energy, and hormones.  I do admit that I started having a lot more aches and pains around age 39 than before.  But again, that started before 40 yet no one acted like my 39th birthday was such a scary one.

I think the main thing is that with any milestone, we start measuring our progress to see if we are aligned with our goals and of course, the Jones’ goals.  We start comparing and trying to evaluate whether we feel like a success or a failure in life.  However this is tragic because life is unpredictable and different for everyone.  So success can’t truly be compared.  We measure ourselves compared to some fairy tale notions we had in high school about what life is supposed to be.  But if everyone ended up with this same cookie cutter lifestyle, there would be no great achievers and no inspiration.

I believe we generally are inspired by people who had the strength to do things differently than the norm.  This could be because of a tragedy in life that they rose above or because of a great accomplishment they struggled to achieve.  They may not fit into that fairy tale vision of society but that is because they are the heroes of society.  They are heroes because they braved a different path even if it was thrust upon them unexpectedly.  These heroes don’t have to have done anything so obviously grand like save the whales or cure cancer.  They just need to be good people who provide worth in society by being a good friend, parent, employee, child, etc.  They should take measure of themselves at the milestones and feel proud.  Life doesn’t come with one specific score card for achievements.  It is different for everyone and as long as you are trying your best and being kind and constructive, then you get an ‘A’.

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Forced to Sit Around

Posted on June 28, 2012 by Reena

Why is it that we long for time to relax but when we are forced to by a doctor, we hate it?  I had a medical procedure yesterday and was told to rest for a few days but now I’m going a bit stir crazy.  Luckily the kids are cooperating (for the most part) so I’ve been tied to the sofa.  I took breaks to give them very basic meals but that was the extent of my activity.  Now I’m staring at the laptop expecting things to show up on Facebook or the news that will amuse me.  Sadly it’s not happening.

I think about all the times when I’m running around, exhausted, hoping for a chance to lie down or just chill.  What happened to that desire?  Is it that we always crave what we don’t have at the time?  Right now I just keep thinking of all the things I need to go out and do or the unfinished laundry, etc.  It just doesn’t make sense.  Are we humans just built to be dissatisfied?  Or is it that we want free will to do what we want when we want?  I suppose doctor’s orders of rest don’t fit in with free will even if it is in your best interest.

Maybe this is all compounded by the fact that we live in a time of over-stimulation.  We are used to being amused or occupied at all times.  However this still doesn’t explain why I can’t just pick up a book or watch TV and be happy.  After all I enjoy doing that to relax after a busy day.  Maybe I feel a need to earn relaxation with a busy, productive day.  I guess being sick or fragile don’t seem like they satisfy that requirement.  Maybe we humans aren’t so chronically dissatisfied but instead are just wired to be productive.  I like this explanation better!  Now….what to do with the next couple of boring days……

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Positive Attitude

Posted on June 26, 2012 by Reena

Last week I learned that my uncle’s store in India was completely ravaged by a fire.  Luckily no one was hurt but three families rely on this store as a source of income.  My mom told me the news and we were all very shaken emotionally.  This is also because this store has been in my mom’s family for 60 years.  Her brothers started it when they came to India from Pakistan as refugees during the partition of the country.  They were teenagers who had to work to support the family since their father had a chronic illness.  The store became quite successful and three of the four brothers expanded into other businesses.  Now my one uncle owns the store with his two sons.  It has become quite impressive and is a landmark of the area.

With all this history for our family, everyone was quite devastated.  Though we were completely grateful that the family was safe.  We were feeling a sympathetic response to our relatives who lost so much of their work and life savings in this fire.  Yet we were also feeling a personal loss because we each had our own memories associated with the store.

When we got in touch with my uncle’s family in India, however, we felt much better.  We called with intentions of giving support and a positive outlook but we ended up feeling inspired by their strength.  My cousin and his wife were being so positive and kept thanking God that everyone was safe and that’s all that matters.  They had just left the store with their son 15 minutes prior to the electrical blast that triggered the fire.  They kept reassuring us that all would be well and their faith in God and positive attitude uplifted us.  Though there was monetary loss they realized that they could make it up over time since they were all fine.  A loss of a life or a severe injury could never be made up.  We all know this in our minds too but when dealing with a personal trauma, the logic often flies out the window.  It was great to see that in the face of this trauma my relatives retained their faith, strength and logic.  They were motivated to rebuild the store even nicer than it had been before.

I felt inspired after talking to them and also thought of all the people losing their homes in the brush fires in the west.  It made me realize how small my problems are and yet they can seem overwhelming without this kind of perspective.  I felt a sense of gratitude for everything I have whilst sometimes we just focus on what more we want.  I called to offer help to my relatives but unknowingly they were the ones who gave me so much inspiration and a better outlook.

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Off to a New School

Posted on June 21, 2012 by Reena

new school, chlid, elementary, educationYesterday was my older son’s last day in his school which only goes through third grade.  We are having mixed emotions about this.  One on hand I’m happy to see him growing up and reaching different milestones but on the other I’m sad that he won’t be in this elementary school anymore.  We have been so happy with the school he’s been in (LES) and have a bit of anxiety about him going to the intermediate school.  LES is a small school with a very high quality of educators, a very involved PTO and a nice group of students.  It is nice to know that the principal knows exactly who my son is and that the school has been winning national awards for character, etc.

Not that there is anything wrong with the intermediate school but it is a lot of things that this school isn’t and vice-versa.  The fourth grade will be five times the size of his third grade class so that  will be an adjustment.  Though I have learned that the fourth graders are kept separate from the fifth and sixth grades.  This at least helps their adjustment to the size of the school and they don’t feel as intimidated.  I’m also a bit sad that there is less communication with the parents in the new school compared to the old.  I liked knowing exactly what was going on with my kids and having access to the teacher if needed.  I guess this is part of letting go as they grow up but it doesn’t mean I have to like it.

I’ve also heard that there are considerably fewer parents volunteering there which probably makes fund-raising harder.  I was surprised since there are so many more students and therefore more parents.  I understand that many parents don’t have work flexibility but I think some parents just don’t prioritize this.  Even in this school there are plenty of families who just think that they are entitled to all the extras that their kids get through PTO efforts without lifting a finger themselves.  I guess in this world there are many more takers than givers.  However, I hoped that people would do everything they could to make their children’s lives and education better if they could.  I suppose that is not the case with everyone.

With all the competition in today’s world and our national education system ranking pretty low, every bit we can contribute as parents helps them.  I try to help as much as I can since I am home and able to make the time but there are others who try to help for evening events or other things that aren’t during work hours.  I think there are many parents who are just focused on putting their individual child in extra activities or tutoring but aren’t concerned with trying to do what they can to help our schools.  They see fixing the shortcomings of our educational system as someone else’s problem.  I think that being aware and involved with the schools and our children can only bring good things.  I hope the intermediate school is as wonderful for my son as LES was and I’ll try to stay as involved as I can!

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Madagascar 3- woo hoo!

Posted on June 12, 2012 by Reena

This weekend my husband and I took our kids to watch Madagascar 3.  We had all been looking forward to it from the first trailer we saw for it.  Well, it did not disappoint!  The kids thoroughly enjoyed it and have been singing ‘Afro circus, afro circus, polka dot polka dot afro’ every day.  It wasn’t just amusing for the kids, however.  My husband and I were laughing out loud throughout the movie.

Sometimes sequels tend to disappoint because the originality of the idea is no longer there and the story seems forced.  In this one though, I did not feel that way.  I wasn’t as crazy about Madagascar 2 but this third installment was much better.  The characters were hilarious once again.  Alex the zebra was his usual bumbling leader, Marty the zebra was goofy, and the penguins were slick and resourceful.  Even the new characters were entertaining.  I definitely recommend this movie for kids and adults!

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Parenting…not getting easier

Posted on June 5, 2012 by Reena

So when the kids were babies, I used to wonder when things would get easier.  It was tough when they were so helpless and couldn’t do anything but cry to communicate.  There was constant nursing, diaper changes, carrying or at least they seemed constant.  Then they became toddlers and the crying turned into talking, which was better.  The meal times became more normal too if you exclude the need for snacks all the time.  Now they could walk around so there was less carrying too.  However, the diaper changing turned into a struggle to potty-train and the carrying became less frequent but much heavier.  Is it better yet?

Then preschool age came and they started understanding a bit more so we could reason with them.  Yet, they didn’t understand enough so the temper-tantrums continued.  The potty training was successful but now we had to constantly drop what we were doing when we were out to find public restrooms.  We had to stand and wait in the restaurant restroom for them while everyone else enjoyed their meals.  We would come out just in time to have cold food and get the check.  Shopping became a lot harder because they no longer were trapped in their strollers so we had to chase them around the racks more than browse.  Is it better yet?

Now we are at the elementary school age.  They can now bathe and feed themselves (though sometimes the feeding can take ages).  There are no more strollers and car seats to deal with so things are physically easier.  But, there is homework and projects and music and sports practices.  There is a struggle to make them do all their work before playing or watching TV.  Often the projects become as much work the parents as for the kids.  There are always school events to attend and volunteer for.  The kids now have a lot more of their own opinions and there are a lot more arguments.  There is more talking back and every instruction results in the question ‘why?’.  There is suddenly a lot more fighting to referee between the siblings because their personalities are growing stronger and more independent.  There is also a great deal of pressure to make them successful in academics and activities.  We want the best for them and things are very competitive these days.  This ends up making us struggle between turning into ‘tiger moms’ and making sure our kids are happy and enjoy their childhood.  Is it better yet?

I’m sure the tween and teenage years have many of their own challenges which I can’t yet speak to.  I guess it doesn’t get easier to be a parent, it just keeps changing.  I suppose I should enjoy the good stuff and breathe through the rough stuff.  I should keep in mind that ‘this too shall pass’, and then it might likely get worse!

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Wedding Woes

Posted on June 1, 2012 by Reena

Wedding season is here and it seems like for as much fun and enjoyment that brings, there are almost as many headaches.  Recently, we have been to a few weddings and all we heard about was arguments over guest lists and other decisions.  The bride sometimes becomes a beautifully dressed bridezilla who is going crazy over every detail.  The groom is often not very interested in helping plan the event.  The parents have their own ideas which tend to clash with those of the couple.

There are so many functions for the couple and their loved ones to plan.  Each one has its own level of stress but if all goes well, enjoyment.  Sometimes the showers or bachelor/bachelorette parties are not what the bride or groom had in mind for themselves.  However they have to reluctantly appreciate whatever was or was not done since they weren’t planning it.

It seems that people have built up the dream of their wedding day so much in their minds that this is what puts so much pressure on everyone while planning.  The other reason is that it has become a competitive thing now with who had the nicest or most elaborate wedding.  I mean is it all worth it?  I know I enjoyed planning my wedding though it did have its stresses.  However, we did not go crazy trying to be over the top or have tons of different events.  I’m sure some of my friends thought I was a bridezilla too while I was frantic about things going to schedule too.  But is this all worth it or do people like Mark Zuckerberg have the right idea in having a simple, intimate and inexpensive wedding.  I mean he has more money than most people in the world but he wasn’t worried about keeping up with image and expectation for his wedding.  He did what made the couple happy and didn’t care about the rest.  Maybe he is on to something since there tends to be so much drama involved in large, elaborate weddings.  I wonder if things will slowly shift.  People do love a big, fancy party though.  Maybe by the time my sons get married, there will be a compromise between these mega-events and a backyard bash.  And hopefully they will happen with love and joy and without egos and attitudes.

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Did the Punishment Fit the Crime?

Posted on May 21, 2012 by Reena

So Dharun Ravi got sentenced today for his cyber-bullying/hate crime.  Surprisingly it was a relatively light sentence with 30 days in county jail , community service and probation for 3 years.  Many people felt this was not sufficient punishment for the crimes.  They said prison time (up to possibly 10 years) would have been more just.  The judge was not so harsh on the sentencing but did reprimand Ravi for not apologizing.

I have been torn on how I feel about this case in general.  On the one hand I think the cyber-bullying was awful and really feel for Tyler Clementi‘s family.  I mean even though it was not a direct cause for his suicide, I’m sure Ravi’s actions seriously contributed to Clementi’s despair.  I don’t think anyone should be publicly humiliated and tormented like that.  On the other hand, I am raising 2 kids and know that youngsters sometimes do things and don’t think of the consequences.  This doesn’t excuse their actions but it does mean that they weren’t acting out of hate and malice.  Ravi, however, is technically an adult so I don’t know if I should compare his actions to things I hear about in elementary schools.

I know that there is more awareness now about the bullying issue and hate crimes.  This is why many actually thought that Ravi would be made an example of and get an overly harsh sentence.  I don’t think that would be fair either just to make him a poster child for this problem.  However, I think the sentence he did get was very light.  The fact that he always came off arrogant and without any remorse doesn’t make me feel much sympathy either.  Many times people do things they regret because they get caught up trying to be cool or get attention.  So, I recognize that but then those people generally seem truly sorry if someone gets hurt.  I don’t know if that happened here.  I’m sure Ravi’s life will suffer with this stigma of what he did but he still has a life.  The whole incident and everything that ensued is just tragic and makes me fear for my boys and the situations they will face as they grow up.  I hope they continue to open up to me so we can discuss situations and learn appropriate responses and behaviors.

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This Hurts Me More Than It Hurts You!

Posted on May 16, 2012 by Reena

As parents, we generally want to give our kids everything we can. But how do we keep them from taking that for granted? How do we also show them that all these treats and luxuries need to be earned….by us and by them?  And, those treats can be taken away.

Lately, my husband and I have been struggling with discipline at home.  I mean we don’t want to spank and we don’t want to yell so much at them so then what do you do?  We have done plenty of the time-outs and go to your room but the effectiveness keeps changing as they get older.  So these days there has been a lot of ‘taking things away’.  We warn them that ‘you will lose your iPods, or toys or activities if you don’t behave well’.  However, this often ends up hurting us as well because we may have planned a movie outing for the family.  Now if we must follow through with our threat on the punishment, then we all lose the movie and our day is ruined too.  This leads to lots of whining and crying on their parts and more to deal with on our parts.  Then, instead of a nice relaxed weekend outing for a fun movie, we have a house full of bored, annoyed, pouting people.  It is punishment for us.

When we say ‘You’ve lost TV or video game privileges’, it is punishment for us as well.  This impacts us most on long drives since there can no longer be the distraction of an iPod or DSi.  Now we must deal with their bickering and boredom.  ‘How much longer til we get there?’  ‘I have nothing to do’.  It is no longer a peaceful long drive.  Then we need to become the referee and the entertainers.  ‘Let’s find the alphabet on the road signs’  or some other random game we played as kids when there weren’t iPods, etc.

I mean discipline really is hard work.  It would be much easier to just let them have whatever they want whenever they want it.  The expression of  ‘This is going to hurt me more than it is going to hurt you’ seemed like a ridiculous parental line when we were kids but it is no joke.  Now, I totally see it.  Now I can see why many generations of people thought hitting and yelling was okay.  That was not enjoyable for a parent either (or at least I hope not) but it wasn’t as long-lasting grief for them.  Though I understand that those are not mature, effective ways of disciplining your kids.  I also realize that we can’t skip the punishments for bad behavior.  After all we can’t have society of bratty, violent, or self-absorbed children running around because of lazy or exhausted parents.  So, in the end the disciplining may hurt us more than them but we have to have to suck it up (and maybe suck up a glass of wine after that)!

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Field trip frenzy!

Posted on May 14, 2012 by Reena

Recently I joined my son’s 3rd grade class on a field trip to a farm.  It was quite a chaperoning adventure but I got to make some interesting observations.  We started off from the school late because we couldn’t fit everyone into the two buses.  There may have been more chaperones and less seats than anticipated.  During this time the kids were getting louder and more hyper since they were trapped in a bus and not going anywhere.  I was surprised to see that many of the girls were pushing and poking each other more than the boys.  This was an odd thing to see since in my mind I always think of girls doing more verbal fighting and boys being the more physical ones.  Not on this trip!  I had to stop a number of girls from hitting each other many more times than I had to scold the boys.  I mean no one was hitting in a way that would injure anyone but just enough to annoy.

Then as this was calming down, a BEE flew into the bus and that cause a bit of a stir.  It flew around as the kids swatted it away from them and eventually stung a boy.  Luckily, he was brave and not allergic so he handled the situation quite well.  However, there was another boy sitting next to him who also said he got stung but his story kept changing.  At first he claimed it stung his leg but later he said it was his arm. He also refused to let the nurse take a look when we arrived.  I realized that this was a ploy for attention.  I mean it was a cool story and why should the boy next to him get all the sympathy and glory.  It was quite surprising to see this kind of reaction in a 9 year old.  I mean he kept the story going the whole time even if it did have inconsistencies.

This trip was on the first day after 4 consecutive days of NJ ASK testing so the teachers warned us that the kids are ready to let loose and listening skills may not be the best.  They were right.  Though nothing crazy happened (barring another kid getting stung at the farm) it was a tiring day.  Trying to keep them all in line and giving their full attention to the farmers was a challenge.

I was also shocked by two girls who refused to be in the same group when the farmers were teaching us how to make salad dressing.  They both were adamant that “I can’t work with her”.  Really?!?  These kind of attitudes and dislikes at such a young age?

I guess I learned a few things on this trip and realized that 9 year olds are not as young and innocent as I thought.  They have the ability to manipulate situations to get the attention they crave.  The girls can be just as physical in their bickering as the boys.  They don’t listen very well when they’ve had to sit still and concentrate for many days in a row.  Also, they are already developing opinions on who they will and will not like to deal with.  Certain personalities have a very hard time working together.  I guess I was naive in thinking any differently or maybe just in denial about my kids growing up.  This trip was educational for me as well as the kids but in a different way!

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