How many kids are enough?

Posted on March 8, 2012 by Reena

Lately I’ve been feeling very “baby happy” since a couple of people close to me have had babies. Maybe it is also because my kids are now in Elementary school and seeing these newborns reminds me of another time, a new joyful experience of bringing this incredible life into the world.  Seeing this little dependent being who looks like you and your spouse (or some random relative) is very exciting.  At that age, the child loves you and needs you no matter what whereas that changes as they get older.  Now, they can do a lot more on their own but they also have plenty of attitude and opinions.  As they get older it will change further and then being a good parent often means letting go and letting them have the space to learn from their own experiences.  This is such a contrast from how we managed them as babies!

I see people I know with bigger families or watch them on TV and I feel a pang of envy.  Those big family gatherings seem so nice and seeing the siblings able to rely on each other is wonderful.  I don’t know how much of this always happens since I have heard many negative stories from our parents’ generation when big families were common.  There were siblings who just stopped talking to each other as they got older or some who created a lot of drama for the rest.  Regardless, I think there is something sweet about a big family but maybe that is an outdated notion for our time.  After all, how many of us can afford to have 5 kids these days?  I worry about how to send 2 kids to college.  Nowadays most women work (for multiple reasons) so paying for childcare would be crazy.  Then there is the responsibility to our planet not to overpopulate.  Our population is growing at shocking rates compared to the past and soon our resources will be depleted.  That seems like a big reason to stick to the 2 kids I have!

There is also the reality check of going back to sleepless nights, diapers, and constant crying.  Those things seem so far away and the cute, cuddly baby makes you think it wasn’t so bad.  Yet, I don’t know if we could handle all that again especially now that we’re older.  It is nice to be able to tell the kids to get in the car and they do it themselves and don’t need a car seat.  There are no strollers and diaper bags to carry.  Though, now I need to have a DSi and some snacks handy at all times.  I no longer feel guilty leaving them at my mom’s when I go out because they do their own thing.  She just has to call them for meals or referee and occasional fight.  It took a long time to get to this point.  We probably don’t want to start all over again.  Now, I can think about restarting my career without worrying so much about a little one at home.  I guess maybe I’ll just continue to enjoy the big family interactions on TV.  I can always call my friends if I need that fix since some friendships can be stronger than family.  So, I guess I’m content with my 2 boys and I’ll keep visiting the friends with babies when I miss holding one!

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First child frustrations

Posted on March 5, 2012 by Reena

I remember having to deal with a greater level of responsibilities since I was the first child and now I see history repeating itself. I see myself naturally having higher expectations of my older child. I try to be fair but part of it is his personality as well. He tries to behave older while my younger son is happy to be the baby and get pampered. That just makes it seem even more natural for me to expect the older one to behave more responsibly at every age.

The younger child also has it easier since the parents are “broken in” on many things and are more relaxed having been through those things once already. I am six years older than my younger brother so of course my parents thought he was the baby and I should be the responsible one who should help them out and handle things on my own. However, my children are less than two years apart and I still see that pattern developing. I try to be aware of these things and not be harder on my older son but he just seems more mature despite being 9 years old. The younger one seems more cutesy and needy and we respond to that by treating him accordingly.

Now and then I stop and wonder why I didn’t worry about Shaan (older son) on his first day at school but was so stressed over how Amar (younger child) would handle his first day. They both were fine of course, but I shouldn’t have assumed that more about Shaan than Amar. Is it unfair? Is it because of the sibling order? Or, is it just because of their personalities? The older one is constantly volunteering to help me out while the younger is happy to chill out until he’s called out on being lazy. After this happens for a while though, they both start fighting because Shaan will eventually get frustrated of having to do more work. Yet, when I tell him the next time to let Amar do it, he doesn’t and wants to get the credit for helping out. Have I made him that way because I give him praise for being responsible so he is conditioned to keep doing extra to get that reward and reaction? On the other hand, do I just show Amar that parental pride for being himself and being my baby, no matter what he does? I also see more of myself in my older child so I guess I know what makes him tick and know what buttons to push to motivate him. Amar, on the other hand, is very different from me so it is a challenge to decipher what motivates him.

I love both my children equally and think they are the best thing in the world. However, I’m not sure if am always fair in my expectations. Recently when I was late to pick both my boys up from an activity, Shaan was the one in tears and Amar was calm. This was a shock to me and served to remind me that even though Shaan seems independent and older, he is still young and needy in many ways. Amar is always labeled “Momma’s boy” since he seems so dependent yet he surprised me by staying strong and composed and reassuring his brother. It goes to show that sibling order shouldn’t always determine who is more responsible, etc. I guess as long as I keep asking myself these questions and trying to be fair, maybe I will be. I suppose the ‘equal but different’ love is okay if I make sure I listen to the boys’ concerns on how they feel about each other and us. The rest they may have to discuss in therapy someday…..

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Cyber-bullying…scary!

Posted on March 2, 2012 by Reena

There is so much talk of cyber-bullying lately.  This is something we never had to deal with as children and now have a hard time protecting our own children from this.  Luckily for now, my kids are in lower elementary school so this is not yet an issue.  Most kids at this age do not have cell phones, web cams, or Facebook accounts.  However, children grow up fast and I will have to be vigilant and prepared to discuss this subject with my boys.

The Tyler Clementi case has been all over the news lately.  This has really hit home for me since the kids were all from areas near where I grew up and went to my Alma Mater, Rutgers.  Everyone who mentions the kids involved in this case says they were all “nice kids and good kids”.  Yet this crime was committed and a tragedy occurred.  It hasn’t been ruled yet whether this was truly a hate crime against a homosexual boy or teasing and bullying gone wrong.  Either way, both families are devastated.  The Clementi family will never get their son back and his life ended way too early.  While the Ravi family is watching their son’s future hang in the balance.  Dharun Ravi’s future would be ruined if he went to jail but even if he was found innocent of the hate crimes, society would never forgive him.

So how do we protect our children from being on either end of this equation?  Even ‘good kids’ can get caught up in doing inappropriate things to get attention or fit in.  Many times these bullying crimes are not committed by true sociopaths, but by kids who are misguided in  knowing how to be popular.  On the other hand, the victims of bullying can be traumatized for life.  Even if there is nothing as extreme as a suicide, this undermines a child’s confidence and can affect them for years.

I guess we need to keep the lines of communication open with our kids and make them aware of this subject.  Most schools these days are getting better about discussing this subject and trying to make the children feel comfortable about opening up.  They are also trying to make the idea of a bully, ‘uncool’.  They praise the kids for being an ‘upstander’ by standing up for anyone else they see being bullied.  In the past, kids would just stay away out of fear that they would become a target as well.  Well, all this should help but the bullying at this age does not involve the internet where everything is permanent, making it worse for both sides.  The victim cannot escape the humiliation and the bully can’t take it back when their conscience kicks in or they realize their mistake.

We definitely need to keep tabs on our children’s internet activity, even if it seems like an invasion of privacy.  We have to look for signs of being more angry or withdrawn at home.  I know when my son was being bullied a little, he started taking his anger out on his younger brother.  That prompted me to talk to him and find out what was going on in his life.  Look for any personality changes.  We can’t protect our kids from everything but at least we can know we did what we could.  And, always make sure they know they are loved and make you proud parents.  This might give them the strength and confidence to handle these potential situations better.  Beyond that, we pray for the best!!!

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So I finally convinced my husband to watch The Godfather I & II, two of my favorite movies.  He fought me for ages feeling it was not a big deal not to have watched them.  I think he felt it was too late and that if he hadn’t watched them til now then he could go on with living without them.  I sometimes feel that way with new movies, when they first come out I am hyped to see them but after a few weeks pass and the excitement dies down, I have no problem waiting until they come on cable.

Though the Godfather series is different.  It is a part of modern culture.  There are quotes and references to the movie all the time.  Now he finally recognizes the origin of “Make him an offer he can’t refuse” or “Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes”.  He really enjoyed them too as I knew he would and now he’s shared something with me that we can discuss together.  Those movies were the first of their kind and there have been many other mob-based stories after that.  But, even now these movies are still compelling to watch, despite the length.  They are well acted and also very artfully directed.  The second movie is my favorite, though I plan to eventually make hubby watch the third as well.  Now I have forced him to watch “Gone With the Wind” and “The Godfather”series.  What’s next?  I wonder what he has on his bucket list to enlighten me with?

Posted on February 29, 2012 by Reena | Leave a comment

Play dates for Moms…

Posted on February 28, 2012 by Reena

Whenever I chat with a new mom, my advice is always to go out with the baby and meet other moms.  This is something that kept me sane and made full-time motherhood very enjoyable for me.  I met some other moms and their kids in classes like Gymboree.  As we got to know each other we would plan play dates each week at one of our homes.  This gave the kids a chance to have fun with each other and also gave us the chance to communicate with other adults.  After these gatherings, we were all more relaxed and happy.

Now that my kids are older, these play dates have continued, but sometimes they happen without the kids.  Some working friends see it as a luxury of spoiled women but it is hardly that.  We are not using these get-togethers to try fancy new restaurants or waste time and money.  We are doing it to keep sane, connected, and to be better moms.  We often just meet and run errands together because mundane tasks are more fun with company.  Or, we meet at the mall when we’ve heard of good sales since we may as well save money and get deals since we have more time than money.  People in the outside workforce feel the necessity to ‘network’ to get insights and do better in their careers.  It is similar for Moms.

We don’t just discuss shopping and where to get the best deals.  Though that never hurts.  We talk about the issues facing our children and try to figure out the best ways to deal with them.  Lately, the discussions have been a lot about bullying or how many activities are too many for the kids.  In the past we’ve tried to gauge whether our kids are hitting developmental milestones or how to tackle behavioral issues.  We all know there is no handbook on Perfect Parenting but the best we can do is be aware of what is going on with our kids and learn from what’s going on with other kids.  After speaking to another parent who has dealt with something you are worried about, you feel much more relieved.  And, when chatting with parents of older children, it helps you prepare for certain challenges.

When a group of co-workers go to lunch together from the office, no one says ‘Oh..must be nice….ladies who lunch’.  It is just a meal, part of their day and a chance to relax and vent about work.  So, why is it any different for the full-time Moms?  We meet, we eat and we vent about our work and learn better ways to handle things.  It is a pleasant part of our otherwise busy, full week.  It makes us better Moms and better people.  Hooray for Play Dates!!!

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Tech skills killing social skills??

Posted on February 27, 2012 by Reena

‘Kids of today are great at iPod, iPad, iPhone but not at EYE contact”, a friend recently said to me.  This really hit home because I started to notice a lot of our kids nowadays are so much more adept at all the technological skills than the people skills.  I think we as parents need to make a strong effort to make sure our children get the right training on those people skills as well.   We were at a dinner party recently with three other families and a total of eight kids.  As usual the kids ran off to their side of the house and the adults were happy to chat with them out of the way.  Then we realized that we don’t encourage them to come in and greet each adult and make polite conversation.  Instead we let them just play with the kids and ignore the grown-ups.  In doing this, we lose an opportunity to teach them how to socialize with other age groups.  Part of this is about teaching them to respect the elders.  There is more to that than just not saying or doing something bad in front of the adults.  It is also rude to ignore and not make eye contact with them.

One reason for this change in kids is that life is very hectic for most families these days with both parents working and kids bogged down with homework and several activities.  This leaves little time to work on social etiquette.  Most parents do try to teach their children to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and have some level of manners but many times they don’t notice the lack of eye contact either.  It is often let go with the excuse of shyness or age.  In older times, life ran at a slower pace and kids were raised in more of a community environment.  This exposure and closeness to adults other than parents or teachers taught kids how to interact respectfully with that age group.  Many rules of etiquette are now considered old-fashioned and of those times, but I don’t think all of them should be let go.

I believe the other big factor attributing to this change is that today’s children have so much interaction with technology.  This type of interaction may keep their minds sharp in many ways but it doesn’t do anything for their social skills.  They get no visual feedback and response no matter what their body language may be saying.  Whereas that same body language may seem rude or dismissive to a person, the computer or gadget isn’t bothered.  This becomes a form of conditioning since the kids often spend more of their time in front of a screen instead of a human.  They get less experience realizing how their speech or body language is interpreted by others.

I know much of our socialization has moved on-line and probably will more-so over the next generation.  However, I don’t think we should let our kids lose the skills you need for respectful and pleasant in-person interaction.  We still appreciate it when we come across a stranger who is chivalrous or polite even though some of these courtesies are often considered outdated and optional.  It makes us feel good and respected.  Wouldn’t it be tragic if something like eye contact and respectful and attentive body language became an outdated etiquette as well?

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We are the Sandwich Generation!

Posted on February 23, 2012 by Reena

 

clipart-Discoveryschool.com

Lately I’ve had a lot on my mind regarding my family.  We’ve been sandwiched between the concern for our parents and the duties to our children and the stress of this economy only makes it worse.  Luckily both my parents and in-laws are in stable health, though they do suffer from heart disease, diabetes, and other major issues that loom overhead like a dark shadow.  They are all still working as well but some will retire within the next year or so.  Many of their generation have seen their financial security compromised by falling home values and the stock market decline.  All these changes bring anxiety over downsizing homes, fear of health issues, or what to do with the newly found free time so they don’t get bored and depressed.  We, as their children, have to deal with these concerns.  We try to give advice, offer emotional support, and be there more to help.

Yet, our own futures are shaky as well unless you are in the top 1% or even 2%.  We want to snap our fingers and alleviate our parents’ concerns over aging, health and finances but we also worry about how we will put out kids through college with the sky-rocketing education expenses.  We think about whether to upgrade to a larger home, knowing that houses are no longer considered a good investment as they were when our parents were buying.  We also know that there may be no social security benefits when we retire and wonder how we will manage to save enough to support ourselves.  All parents want their kids to have more success and a better future than they enjoyed but I wonder if this economic environment will allow that for our kids.

Every generation has children and elders to think about so why is our’s the ‘Sandwich Generation‘?  It is because our parents had fewer children than the generations above them.  Now there are fewer children to share the care of the parents.  On the other side, the future of our kids is also a bigger concern than in prior generations.  With education becoming more costly and many graduates not able to find jobs, many children will have lesser lifestyles than their parents.  This means that we may need to support our children longer and hope that things get better over the years.

We are definitely lucky overall.  Our problems are those of the ‘First World‘ and we don’t have to worry about the basics.  Yet, in a capitalist economy where your health, education, retirement aren’t taken care of by the government, we still have many things to stress over and plan for.  Though, living in another country doesn’t seem like a great option either since Europe and others seem to be suffering as well.  I guess we just do what we can, live and spend responsibly, and hope for the best!

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Teaching our kids community service…

Posted on February 15, 2012 by Reena

Many of our kids are growing up quite comfortable financially and they often have little exposure to others that are not.  They have a very narrow and privileged view of the world.  They are definitely lucky and I wouldn’t want them to suffer in anyway but then how do we teach them to appreciate their privileges?  We need them to realize and understand that the people with less aren’t lesser people.  I want my kids to strive to work hard and be responsible but know that this is only part of the formula for success.  Luck is a big factor as well and sometimes people have bad luck or tragedies that keep them from living a very comfortable life.  Our kids need to learn respect for these people too and not judge them.

Today I joined my 9 year old son, Shaan, on his CARE kids trip to a nursing home and a soup kitchen.  At the soup kitchen they delivered many boxes of food that they had been collecting from area families and they took a tour of the facility.  After that, they went to a nursing home and visited the Alzheimer’s patients (‘All timers’ as my son called them).  They had prepared a few songs to sing for the patients and had also made Valentine’s Day cards to hand out to each patient.  Some kids were a little scared so they didn’t want to personally hand out their cards but most were happy doing this.  CARE kids is a service-oriented club in the school that most of the third graders belong to.  They do projects and learn about helping the sick, elderly or underprivileged people in our community.  I think it is a great way to bring awareness and a sense of caring to our children.

I think it is great that this club exists in the school because it is often hard for individual families to teach these values.  Some families don’t have time and are struggling themselves so they can’t pause to remind their children of others in need.  Others weren’t raised to focus on those values themselves so the children have no exposure.  Many times I have also seen a lack of these values in first generation immigrant families.  I’m not being racist since my parents were first generation immigrants and though they tried to help the community, many friends were not interested.  Sometimes those new immigrants have a goal of struggling for their own success since that is why they left their country and family.  They may not yet have a sense that the people around them now are their own too.  They haven’t yet developed that sense of community involvement that drives you to help all types of people around you, knowing that they would do the same for you.

I think it is very important for families to emphasize the values behind community service.   However, I am grateful that our schools are bringing that awareness to create a more caring new generation.  Thanks CARE kids!!!

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Valentine’s Day!

Posted on February 14, 2012 by Reena

Many people complain that this is a fake, Hallmark created holiday.  Well whatever started it, I don’t think it is so bad.  Like every other holiday, it is a reason to take a moment to appreciate something in life.  In this case, it is often a romantic relationship or your children.  However there is nothing that says it can’t be another family member or a good friend.

I know that this can be a painful holiday for someone who is single or broken-hearted.  It seems to them like a reminder of their loneliness  or everyone else’s happiness.  Firstly, everyone else is probably not perfectly happy because everyone has some problems in life that they probably don’t publicize.  Secondly, these people are probably not completely alone either.  That’s why I think this holiday is and should be about appreciating all the loved ones in our lives and not just the romantic ones.  If we focus on all the important people in our lives, we would never feel alone despite not having a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend.  So, Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you, attached or unattached.  Don’t forget to remember all the special people in your life!!!

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Kids Are Making Mommy Adventurous!!!

Posted on February 13, 2012 by Reena

Being a cautious person by nature and one with little athletic ability, I wasn’t very adventurous growing up.  I think that may be changing though, because of my kids.  I think I am feeling the need to face some fears and challenge myself so that I can share certain experiences with my sons.  I don’t want to just be the mommy they come home to after they have experienced something new, I want to experience some of these things with them.  I think it helps us bond in a special way.

Yesterday, I went ice-skating with the kids for a school sponsored fundraiser.  It was only something I had done once  in college so I wasn’t too keen on doing it again.  I was mostly scared that it was not a fully enclosed rink and it was freezing outside.  I was also a bit fearful that if I fell too much (which was likely) I might mess up my already problematic neck and shoulder.  Regardless, I baked the brownies I volunteered to bring, bundled up and went.  My brother joined us since my husband was busy and luckily he had skated a few times before.  That way at least I could send both boys with him if I chickened out or got hurt while we were there.

Well, it was a surprisingly nice experience.  I was not too cold.  All those layers and continuously moving kept me quite comfortable.  I also managed not to fall and skated with my younger son who is averse to risk or getting hurt.  He had been to a skating party once where he just walked along the wall and fell over and over.  This time he seemed less interested in the whole experience.  So, I held his hand and slowly we eased away from the wall and skated many laps.  I encouraged him by saying “It’s only Mommy’s second time just like you and we’ll be okay”.  He seemed encouraged by that enjoyed the whole two hour event.  My older son skated with his uncle and wasn’t so cautious.  He’s the fearless one so he has no interest in starting anything slowly but luckily he also has a high tolerance for pain.  His learning experience was a little different but he was doing well by the end too.

I felt really good afterward.  There were many parents there who stood by the sidelines as I thought I might have.  But, my kids came home very excited to tell their dad about how ‘we’ skated.  They seemed to have a sense of pride that Mommy skated with them.  I think it helped my little one overcome his fear more easily and I think I showed my older son that you can start out more slow and steady like I was and not fall as much.

I am more keen to embrace new challenges at this age than I was as a child. I guess I’m enjoying the bond it creates with my children.  Having boys makes me step outside my comfort zone.  I can’t just share the girly things I though I would with a daughter but that doesn’t mean I can’t learn something new from and with my sons.  These may be little challenges for most but they are things that I was fine shying away from when I was younger.  Now I see no reason to.  Its been a way to add something to my life while sharing an activity with my kids.  I think the next adventure will be skiing.  I hope I don’t hit the slopes too hard!

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